To truly forgive

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This week the Lord has kept me busy with the story of Philemon and Onesimus.

It’s the year 62AD. Caesar Nero, with his deep hatred for Christians, was emperor of Rome. It was a time of severe persecution. Paul was in captivity in Rome and was still preaching the message of salvation despite his chains.

Philemon was a house-church leader in Colossians. He was a wealthy man and owned slaves (remember that it was norm in those days). We read that Philemon was a beloved fellow labourer with Paul and Timothy. One of Philemon’s slaves was a man by the name of Onesimus. His name meant ‘useful’ or ‘profitable’. Apparently, this was a typical name given to slaves in those days.

From the letter from Paul to Philemon, we can derive that Onesimus ran away from his owner. Somehow, he ended up in Rome, about 2000km from Colossians. There he met Paul who introduced him to Jesus. Since then, Onesimus served Paul diligently. It became time for Onesimus to return to his owner and Paul wrote a letter to intercede for this new brother in Christ. The law was very strict regarding run-away slaves and it would’ve been within Philemon’s right to punish or kill Onesimus.

Because slaves normally didn’t have any money of their own, we can safely assume that Onesimus had to steal money or possessions from Philemon to finance his illegal trip to Rome. Paul requested Philemon to add whatever debt Onesimus had onto his (Paul’s) account.

 

Onesimus in our own lives:

I want to compare each one of us with Philemon – we all have an Onesimus that we have to forgive. Sometimes it’s someone that we don’t know personally that caused us harm and we are still experiencing the consequences. Other times, it’s someone very close to us that disappointed us deeply.

The contrary is also possible – we can be an Onesimus in someone else’s life. Maybe we did a very stupid thing as caused harm or hurt to another person. Maybe we’ve hurt or disappointed ourselves.

Now, our first reaction is most probably: ‘I don’t have anything against anyone. I have already forgiven. This message is not for me.”. These voices are our flesh that wants to prevent us from reaching the deep roots of bitterness and hatred.

 

 

So let’s get practical:

What is going on in our thought-life and in our conversations?

Maybe the government – whether old or new? Do we talk about the poor roads, the lack of service delivery or the disappearance of tax payer’s money? How many people are still mad at the old regime? Or, even further back, how many Afrikaner-people still hate English people because of the Boer war?

What about the church or fellow Christians? Hurt and disappointment are so common in this area. Maybe it’s because we put people on pedestals. Common sayings are: “a Christian is not supposed to treat others this way”, “if that is what Christians do, I don’t want to be one”, I’m not going to church anymore, it’s full of hypocrites”, “How can I worship God next to so-and-so, you don’t know what they did to me”. Maybe you feel overlooked by the leadership, that your gifts are not being recognised or developed?

At work. Perhaps you were unfairly dismissed. Perhaps you are a victim of affirmative action or retrenchment. Maybe you have a hard, unfair, dishonest boss and you suffer because of it. What if your salary is lower than your colleagues or others get promoted ahead of you? You might be working harder than the rest, but you are not appreciated.

A family member or friend were not there for you when you needed them most. Perhaps you have stand surety out of ignorance or in good faith and now you suffer financial losses. Maybe you have borrowed them a large amount of money that was never returned. You see their lavish lifestyle while you cannot afford tertiary education for your own children.

The economy looks bad and world circumstances are not looking promising. Fuel prices and inflation are rising and your quality of life is deteriorating. You are worried and someone must be blamed. Maybe you wish that you could’ve lived in a different time and you are mad at the world.

Someone you loved died and you cannot accept that God could’ve allowed it. Maybe you have lost loved ones due to covid and you are angry. Perhaps you’ve lost your job, your children lost their way, you got sick, your house or car was damaged in a storm. And you are mad at God, because He was able to prevent it and didn’t?

 

These were just a few examples to get us thinking. Some more questions to help us with introspection are:

• Which events or people keep on popping up in your conversations or thoughts?
• Which events or people give you that bad-taste-in-the-mouth feeling?
• Who or what are you trying to avoid?
• What makes us emotional, even when just thinking about it? We tend to think being emotional is always in the form of tears. It’s not, it can be any negative emotional charge i.e., worked up, unhappy, mad or just a bad unpeaceful feeling.
• What makes us blunt, callous or cold? Some people cry easily and others keep it inside and act hard and unaffected?
• Which things are so central that I have to state my side of the story? Why is it important that others must understand my pain? How many times do we talk about the same thing over and over while putting the other person in a bad light?

 

What comes out of our mouths (by our fruit we will be known):

• I have forgiven, but will never forget or trust again.
• I will forgive, but…
• What that person did is unforgivable
• I’m done with so-and-so
• I don’t want to talk about it
• I refuse to think about it
• I’ve already dealt with it
• I’ve let it go
• I’m not going there again
• God will deal with him/her
• He/she got what he deserved / They had it coming
• He/she will reap what they’ve sowed. We can quote Scripture all we want, but when the motive of our hearts is revenge, it’s wrong.

 

What does true forgiveness look like?

I’m sure while we were looking at the fruit of unforgiveness, our flesh was quick to point out: “I’m not that bad”, or “I don’t say things like that”. When these types of thoughts enter our minds, we must recognise it immediately as flesh. The enemy wants us to remain blinded. Then we have to be quick to investigate and work on it. There is a saying: “times heals”. It’s not true. Over time hurt becomes softer, but time will never take it away. It is only the Blood of the Lamb that can truly heal us.

Pain that is buried, is not healed.

We always need a plumbline of truth to compare to.

Let’s have a look at the fruit of true forgiveness.

• I no longer become emotional or numb about it.
• When I can think of the event or person without the emotional charge.
• My first thought of the person is not related to what they’ve done.
• I can pray deeply and with much love for the person.
• When I want to bless the person.
• I don’t feel any pleasure at their misfortune (this one we tend to hide very deep).
• The atmosphere is no longer stiff when I’m around the person.
• I don’t talk or think so much about it anymore.
• Even though I know it happened, it feels very ‘far’.
• I can look at the situation with objectivity and honesty. Only after true healing can I examine my part or reaction. I can ask why it happened (e.g., bloodline curse pay-out) or why I reacted the way I did (maybe I still struggle with rejection). Then I can deal with the roots and bad fruit in my life.

 

What does Scripture say?

Col 3:13  bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. 

Eph 4:32  And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. 

Heb 12:14-15  Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; 

1 Pet 4:8  And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” 

Prov 19:11  The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression. 

Luk 17:1-4  Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.” 

Mat 5:44  But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you

 

What happens when I don’t forgive?

We tend to quickly read over the Scriptures that confronts our hearts. It’s hard words that convict us and because we don’t like the feeling of being wrong, we rather ignore it. The reality is that we are in such desperate need for forgiveness that we cannot afford to harbour bitterness in our hearts. The Scripture is very clear: those who refuse to forgive, will not be forgiven.

Mar 11:25-26  “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” 

Mat 18:35  “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” 

 

The forgiven grants forgiveness

The reason Philemon met Jesus, was because of Paul’s preaching. In other words, Philemon owed Paul and Paul uses this principle to persuade Philemon to forgive Onesimus. Many people says that Paul manipulated Philemon. I don’t agree with it. This short letter has a much deeper meaning that applies to us. Each one of us are like Philemon – we are in need of forgiveness and we owe our eternal life to the shed Blood of the Lamb. Jesus forgave us and can therefore instruct us to forgive others. Likewise, we all have an Onesimus – someone that we need to forgive. It’s only through the power and grace we received at the cross that we are able to forgive.

 

Do we truly understand the grace of being forgiven by God?

The measure to which we experience the forgiveness we have received, reflects directly on how quick we are to forgive others. When our hearts are full of pride and we think we are not that bad, we become self-righteous even though we don’t want to admit it (not even to ourselves). Thoughts like: “I’m a regular church-goer, I pray every day, I give to the poor, I’m a good person, at least I don’t do this sin or I do these good works”.

When we, like the tax collector in Luke 18, stand in deep humbleness and gratefulness before the Lord, it becomes much easier to forgive Onesimus. We need to come to the end of ourselves.

 

A plea for forgiveness

Just like Paul made a plea more than 2000 years ago for Onesimus, the Holy Spirit is making a plea to us to forgive each and every Onesimus that has caused us hurt. Not because Onesimus deserves it, but because we cannot afford to not forgive.

Phm 1:10-12, 18-19  I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, whom I have begotten while in my chains, who once was unprofitable to you, but now is profitable to you and to me. I am sending him back. You therefore receive him, that is, my own heart, But if he has wronged you or owes anything, put that on my account. I, Paul, am writing with my own hand. I will repay—not to mention to you that you owe me even your own self besides.

Likewise, Jacob petitioned to Joseph for his brothers. They also didn’t deserve his forgiveness. I appreciate how Jacob didn’t downplay the harm that was done to Joseph. He acknowledged the wrong, but still pleaded for his grace to forgive.

Gen 50:15-17 When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “Perhaps Joseph will hate us, and may actually repay us for all the evil which we did to him.” So they sent messengers to Joseph, saying, “Before your father died he commanded, saying, ‘Thus you shall say to Joseph: “I beg you, please forgive the trespass of your brothers and their sin; for they did evil to you.” ‘ Now, please, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of your father.” And Joseph wept when they spoke to him. 

 

Onesimus means ‘useful’

When we can get beyond the hurt and disappointment that Onesimus caused us, he becomes useful or profitable to us, just like his name suggests. When we are brave to investigate, we, through the leading of the Holy Spirit, reach questions like:

• Why was there stolen from me – is it maybe related to unconfessed sins by my ancestors.
• What caused my strong reaction – did it maybe poke a deeply hidden, but festering wound from my childhood?
• Why did I get so mad – are there still roots of rejection in my life?

These questions are very useful and profitable to us; we can then deal with issues so much deeper than just forgiveness. It brings about deliverance on a much deeper level.

Psalm 119:91b says: “For all things [all parts of the universe] are Your servants.” Whether something was in God’s perfect will for us or not, everything that happens to us, He can use for His glory. We can choose to work with His Spirit or we can rebelliously refuse to forgive. At the end of the day, it’s only us that lose out on the blessing.

 

What if I am Onesimus?

There are situations where we are the one in the wrong. We might have caused hurt or disappointment to someone else. In this case the Scriptures are clear: it’s our responsibility to reconcile, no matter how hard it is.

Mat 5:23-24  Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 

A beautiful example in the Bible is the story of Jacob and Esau (Gen 32-33). The night before Jacob had to meet with Esau, he wrestled with God. I believe that if Jacob didn’t wrestle with the Angel of God, Esau would’ve killed Jacob and most probably his whole family. The Lord can break the power of the spirit of death and hate against us, if we are prepared to wrestle and truly repent for our part in the matter.

 

Only Jesus makes forgiveness possible

Have a look at the contrast between two people that experienced the cruelty of Nazi-Germany during the second world war. Both of these people were imprisoned.

• Elie Wiesel, “I cannot and I do not want to forgive the killers of children; I ask God not to forgive.”
• Corrie Ten Boom’ sister Betsie: ‘no hate Corrie. No hate.’

Only Jesus Christ makes the impossible possible – to be able to truly forgive. Because we are forgiven.

 

Relevance to current world circumstances

Paul and his contemporaries lived in a time of cruel persecution because of their faith. Children of the Most High God was killed in the worst ways possible. Amidst their bad circumstances, Paul wrote: forgive, rejoice and stand firm. If it was possible then, it’s possible now.

As we are entering very difficult times, we have to make haste to get rid of any root of bitterness, hatred, unforgiveness and turmoil. We need to immediately forgive and pray for our persecutors. We cannot afford to be mad and bitter when our quality of life will not be what we are used to. Should chemical weapons be used and loved ones become ill and die, we dare not allow hate in our hearts. When poverty and famine increase, we need to already have a firm faith in the One that multiplies the flour and oil. When we are persecuted and rejected because of our faith, we have to bless and not curse. We have to now deal with rejection. We must now forgive while we still have time.

To forgive is part of the process to buy extra oil. It doesn’t mean that we accept or approve what the other party did. It means that we are strong in Christ and that we will overcome the evil with the good.

 

May the Lord grant each one of us the grace and power to truly forgive.

Much love, Yolandie